One Year Later

Warning: This blog is very lengthy and maybe no one but my mom will bother to read the whole thing. That's ok though because I wrote it for myself, and it was therapeutic. 

Amidst the craziness of the end of the school year, May 15^th slipped by like the rest of the days but not without my notice.  For me, that day is an emotional milestone because it marks the day I left Fresnillo a year ago.  On May 15, 2011, I went to church and said goodbye to many dear friends and then left a few hours later from my home in Fresnillo.  While I surprisingly made it through church without crying (a fact that caused one of my teammates to lose a bet because he was sure I’d cry that morning as I’d already cried multiple times in those weeks!), I was literally sobbing when our caravan of vehicles pulled out of the driveway and headed halfway to the border.  We spent Sunday night in Saltillo and safely made it to Texas on Monday around lunch.  The rest of Monday was spent trying to sell the vans, enjoying Chick-fil-A and Ben & Jerry's ice-cream, and laughing together even in a bittersweet time.  Tuesday morning, May 17th, I was off on a plane headed back to Tallahassee by way of Birmingham.

That was a year ago, and yet the emotions and memories are still so strong and vivid in my mind.  I wish I could tell you that Sunday was the last day I sobbed like that, but the truth is that it’s been a hard year full of MANY days of tears.  However, as the months have gone on, I have cried progressively less and am not nearly as emotionally unstable as I was a year ago.  :)   Change and transition have always been hard for me, and this transition may have been the hardest one yet because of how my loyal heart was still in Mexico.  I’m very thankful though for how the Lord has continually made it clear that He wants me in the U.S. right now because while I’ve dealt with longing and an aching heart, I have not dealt with regret or doubt regarding my decision which would be even worse.

While it’s certainly been a tough transition, the Lord has also provided in so many ways this past year.  I think the biggest blessing has been close friends who have really listened to me, prayed with me, and patiently walked with me through this season.  Having a familiar job, faithful church community, and good living situation to come home to also all helped.  Being near my family again is of course a tremendous blessing as well, and there are countless other ways the Lord has shown His graciousness and faithfulness to me this past year.

Like most difficult seasons, it’s also been a time of deep spiritual growth.  In particular, several lessons have stood out to me from my debriefing time at MTI last summer and from rereading Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb this past fall/winter.  Most (if not all) of the debriefing thoughts come directly from statements by George and Connie Blake, my counselors at MTI.  Here are some truths that especially resonated with me:

• The apostle Paul was depressed at times (see 2 Cor 1:8-9).  It’s important to be honest about where we are at emotionally.
• Transition is traumatic and normal.  Getting settled again can take years.  God is always there though and gives off His fragrance in the fog.
• God is the Father of compassion and feels our pain in His gut.
•  Having someone listen to you is healing.
• You can’t separate your two worlds now—they are forever both a part of who you are.
• Our hearts can keep loving more and more people, and it hurts every time we say goodbye.  Even in that, our Savior is big enough to hold our hearts together. 

While I enjoyed Shattered Dreams the first time I read it several years ago, it especially spoke to me during this season.  Crabb’s basic premise is that the highest dream we could ever dream is to know God and experience Him, but the problem is that we do not fully believe this so God allows our lower dreams to shatter in order that we might encounter Him more fully.  While I fully recognize that in the big scheme of life, the challenges of this year are quite mild compared to other shattered dreams, God encouraged me and helped me to feel understood and less alone through this book.  Some of my favorite quotes from the book include:

•   “Our shattered dreams are never random.  They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.”
• “The suffering caused by shattered dreams must not be thought of as something to relieve if we can or endure if we must.  It’s an opportunity to be embraced, a chance to discover our desire for the highest blessing God wants to give us, an encounter with Himself."
• “Shattered dreams subject us to a pain that weakens our stubborn grip on life as we want it and stirs our appetite for the thrill of God’s Presence.”
• “Tears have become my deepest form of worship.”
•  and this one

In conclusion, that is a taste of my year and all that God’s been teaching me.  It’s been a hard year, but a year that’s brought me closer to Jesus, and so it’s been a “hard but good” year.  I am also very pleased to say that I wrote this entire blog without crying or even getting teary-eyed -- now that's progress! :)  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus...