Peace with the Paradox

I think it was something about the way the sky looked.

Today, I was driving to the trail to go for a run right around sunset but before twilight, and I had a sudden flashback to running around Fresnillo at that same time of night.  I can't even really articulate it, but it was a strong and vivid memory much like the memory that smelling a certain aroma or hearing a particular song can give you.  After a day of working up in the colonia, I'd sometimes come home to our house and go for a run around downtown Fresnillo before it got too dark.  Thinking about that tonight made me homesick for Mexico again and stirred up a bittersweet feeling in my heart.  It's not that my runs in Fresnillo were always great or joy-filled.  Often, my mind was full of loneliness or worry, but those runs were a part of routine.  They were my routine and my reality for two years, and there's something comforting about that.  And I even though I have a new routine now, there's still a nostalgic place in my heart for my old routine.

It's funny how moments like these sneak up on us and send us back in time.  People talk about how you grieve in waves or pockets when you lose someone you love, and I think we can grieve places or time periods in our lives in a similar way.  I no longer cry nearly as frequently as when I first came back to the States or miss Mexico as intensely, but my life there will always be a part of who I am.  Memories like the one I had tonight remind me of that truth but also make me thankful to be emotionally whole enough to let the paradox rest in my heart.  I can be grateful for and miss my life in Fresnillo while at the same time appreciating my life now and accepting my current reality as well.  It may sound insignificant, but I'm thankful for these moments and how conflicting emotions can coexist within us.

And as the saying goes, "Running is cheaper than therapy." :)