Monday, May 28, 2012

One Year Later

Warning: This blog is very lengthy and maybe no one but my mom will bother to read the whole thing. That's ok though because I wrote it for myself, and it was therapeutic. 

Amidst the craziness of the end of the school year, May 15th slipped by like the rest of the days but not without my notice.  For me, that day is an emotional milestone because it marks the day I left Fresnillo a year ago.  On May 15, 2011, I went to church and said goodbye to many dear friends and then left a few hours later from my home in Fresnillo.  While I surprisingly made it through church without crying (a fact that caused one of my teammates to lose a bet because he was sure I’d cry that morning as I’d already cried multiple times in those weeks!), I was literally sobbing when our caravan of vehicles pulled out of the driveway and headed halfway to the border.  We spent Sunday night in Saltillo and safely made it to Texas on Monday around lunch.  The rest of Monday was spent trying to sell the vans, enjoying Chick-fil-A and Ben & Jerry's ice-cream, and laughing together even in a bittersweet time.  Tuesday morning, May 17th, I was off on a plane headed back to Tallahassee by way of Birmingham.

That was a year ago, and yet the emotions and memories are still so strong and vivid in my mind.  I wish I could tell you that Sunday was the last day I sobbed like that, but the truth is that it’s been a hard year full of MANY days of tears.  However, as the months have gone on, I have cried progressively less and am not nearly as emotionally unstable as I was a year ago.  :)   Change and transition have always been hard for me, and this transition may have been the hardest one yet because of how my loyal heart was still in Mexico.  I’m very thankful though for how the Lord has continually made it clear that He wants me in the U.S. right now because while I’ve dealt with longing and an aching heart, I have not dealt with regret or doubt regarding my decision which would be even worse.

While it’s certainly been a tough transition, the Lord has also provided in so many ways this past year.  I think the biggest blessing has been close friends who have really listened to me, prayed with me, and patiently walked with me through this season.  Having a familiar job, faithful church community, and good living situation to come home to also all helped.  Being near my family again is of course a tremendous blessing as well, and there are countless other ways the Lord has shown His graciousness and faithfulness to me this past year.

Like most difficult seasons, it’s also been a time of deep spiritual growth.  In particular, several lessons have stood out to me from my debriefing time at MTI last summer and from rereading Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb this past fall/winter.  Most (if not all) of the debriefing thoughts come directly from statements by George and Connie Blake, my counselors at MTI.  Here are some truths that especially resonated with me:
  • The apostle Paul was depressed at times (see 2 Cor 1:8-9).  It’s important to be honest about where we are at emotionally.
  • Transition is traumatic and normal.  Getting settled again can take years.  God is always there though and gives off His fragrance in the fog.
  • God is the Father of compassion and feels our pain in His gut.
  •  Having someone listen to you is healing.
  • You can’t separate your two worlds now—they are forever both a part of who you are.
  • Our hearts can keep loving more and more people, and it hurts every time we say goodbye.  Even in that, our Savior is big enough to hold our hearts together. 
While I enjoyed Shattered Dreams the first time I read it several years ago, it especially spoke to me during this season.  Crabb’s basic premise is that the highest dream we could ever dream is to know God and experience Him, but the problem is that we do not fully believe this so God allows our lower dreams to shatter in order that we might encounter Him more fully.  While I fully recognize that in the big scheme of life, the challenges of this year are quite mild compared to other shattered dreams, God encouraged me and helped me to feel understood and less alone through this book.  Some of my favorite quotes from the book include:
  •   “Our shattered dreams are never random.  They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.”
  • “The suffering caused by shattered dreams must not be thought of as something to relieve if we can or endure if we must.  It’s an opportunity to be embraced, a chance to discover our desire for the highest blessing God wants to give us, an encounter with Himself."
  • “Shattered dreams subject us to a pain that weakens our stubborn grip on life as we want it and stirs our appetite for the thrill of God’s Presence.”
  • “Tears have become my deepest form of worship.”
  •  and this one
In conclusion, that is a taste of my year and all that God’s been teaching me.  It’s been a hard year, but a year that’s brought me closer to Jesus, and so it’s been a “hard but good” year.  I am also very pleased to say that I wrote this entire blog without crying or even getting teary-eyed -- now that's progress! :)  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus...

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Winter & Spring Highlights

As of May 25th, it's officially my summer vacation!  This means lots of great things including more sleep, more time with friends, more time to read, and more time to blog.  Since the second semester seemed to never slow down, I thought I'd post a few pictures that I didn't have a chance to post earlier...

May 2012-Cass came to Bham for a fun visit and to observe at my school

 May 2012-Last "all 3 of us" roommate dinner with Nikki & Kara 

 April 2012-Trail Run at Rufner Mtn. with Laura, Jennifer, and Madoline where we won 1st-4th place in the 5K

April 2012-Quick day trip to the beach with the fam

 April 2012-Easter Sunday 

April 2012-Samford Friends Reunion in TN

March 2012-Trip to Spain as a chaperone  

 February 2012-Redeemer Girls Retreat at Madoline's lake house--such a sweet and encouraging time!

February 2012-Mercedes Marathon Relay, my first time to run 8 miles and my coworker Kiana's first 5K ever! (Our other 3 teammates had already gone home at this point--it was freezing that day!)

 December 2011-Trip to Jacksonville Beach with my family; I loved walking on the beach for hours...

 Christmas Eve, 2011-My mom surprised me with authentic tamales (made by some Mexican friends in Tallahassee) because she knew I'd be missing Mexico and tamales this time of year.  So thoughtful and special!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Dreamland Bar-B-Que

When I decided to go to Samford, there was a man at my church in Florida who told me I had to go to Dreamland Bar-B-Que.  He had gone to the University of Alabama and was a hard-core fan of both the Crimson Tide and Dreamland ribs.  For the next several years, every time I would see him at church during one of my college breaks, he would ask hopefully, "Well, have you been yet?" I would politely smile and usually say something about how barbecue really wasn't my favorite.  Clearly, I didn't choose a college based on the local favorite food because (much to my disappointment) we always had BBQ at Samford's big events like Dinner on the Dirt, Family Day, etc.  

Well, I decided that after almost nine years of living in Alabama, it was time to give Dreamland a try.  Although there is one in Birmingham, I thought I might as well go to the original one in Tuscaloosa.  So, my brother and I ventured here after church on a warm April day a few weeks ago.  The first thing that surprised me was that Dreamland is in the middle of nowhere.  In my mind, it would be very commercial and nice maybe a little like Jim n' Nick's, and it would also be close to the Alabama campus or downtown.  Nope.  It's just tucked away in a rather poor neighborhood of Tuscaloosa where there is an odd mix of industry and run-down houses.  I also thought it would be super crowded since it's so famous.  Nope-wrong again.  This explains why I got a rather odd response when I called asking if they did reservations.  There were plenty of people eating there, but there was still a lot of empty tables ready for hungry customers.

We seated ourselves at one of the outdoor tables, and I looked over the small menu.  It's a good thing I had already decided on their famous ribs because there were not a lot of other options.  The service was friendly and fast though, and there was an interesting variety of people eating there ranging from a family with kids to a large triathlon team.  The ribs were fairly tasty and came drenched in a sauce that was both spicy and sweet.  Plain, white bread also accompanied the meal which offset the spiciness nicely as long as I tried not to think about how bad this addictive bread was for me.  However, the best part was definitely the side dish of banana pudding I ordered.  I may not be a big barbecue fan, but I absolutely love banana pudding, and this Southern version of it was quite delicious.

If you're looking for a good, authentic Bar-B-Que restaurant in Alabama, Dreamland is your place.  As a bonus, you'll also be able to cross of one item on the "100 Dishes to Eat in Alabama Before You Die" list.  This concludes my first Dreamland experience, which was also a cultural experience for me.  I think there is only one appropriate way to end this post, as much as it pains me to say it, "Roll Tide."

 









Saturday, May 5, 2012

Confession

Two weeks ago, I visited my brother in Tuscaloosa and went with him to his church there, RiverWood Presbyterian.  This "Confession of Sin" was printed in the bulletin, and it has piercing truth that really hits home if you're anything like me...

My Father, hear my confession of sinful desires: I desire more money without demands on my wealth; I want to be influential without assuming more burdens; I want to be powerful without accountability; I want all people to like me.  I want more recognition; I want to be thought of as smart; I want to be thought of as kind; I want to be thought of as witty.  I want my kids to not embarrass me; I want my kids to do well so that I will look good.  I want my spouse to serve me and see things my way.  I want to be selfish while appearing sacrificial.  I want to be superior to people while appearing humble.  I want people to want to be around me.  I want people to think that I am a hard worker.  I want professional admiration.  I want to appear carefree, while anxiously maneuvering and scheming.  I want to be considered as unique, without being strange.  I want control.  I want to matter.  I want to be loved without being loving.  I want to be associated with successful people.  I want comfort.  I want stability.  I want predictability without the boredom of routine.  I want nicer clothes.  I want to be relevant.  I want to have a speciality.  I want to win while seeming to be a team-player.  I want ease without seeming lazy.  I want to give advice while appearing to be a good listener.  I want affluence without seeming elitist.  I want to associate with poverty and pain without inconvenience and trouble.  I want holiness without having to give up my impulses.  I want to seem passionate while simultaneously self-possesed.  I will accept being a fraud as long as I am undiscovered.  I feel I can manage my own sin so that it will not become destructive or out of control.  I want intimacy without vulnerability.  I want to be productive without becoming obsessive in focus. I want to be a leader without assuming the responsibilities of being one.  I don't want wisdom as much as wanting to be thought of as wise.  I want my anger to be seen as righteous.  I want my impatience to be seen us urgency.  I want others to change while not demanding the same stringency upon myself.

My Father, what I desire is You, but I have not known it.  I have pursued inferior longings. Forgive my heart for inappropriate loves, desires, and idols.  Change my heart, and may you work in me to pursue You alone.  Through the work of Christ and the Spirit within me, Amen.